Don’t Draw (attention)

Some say being the middle child is tough. For me, the third of five children, It wasn’t that bad. i remember my early childhood as a happy one.

I had 3 brothers and 1 sister, each of whom were gifted athletes. While they shined as standout Little League Baseball players, or nationally ranked Volleyball Stars, I walked around with knocked knees, flat feet, a soft gut, and a big butt.

I was a soft spoken boy who would spend weekend afternoons tipping around the house in my Mom's high heels. I’d grab a T-shirt off the floor, drape it over my head and whip my “hair” around like the star of a shampoo commercial. It was a common sight: me, dancing and prancing around the house. I was giddy and giggly, and oblivious to all things sports.

Although I lacked in the athletic department, I excelled in drawing. It was part of my everyday routine. I remember rifling through my Mom's nursing magazines looking for any face I could find, then immediately giving them a makeover. My favorite was sketching Wonder Woman tiaras and long black hair on models showcasing the latest in nursing apparel.

Around that same time, I discovered the music of Donna Summer, and the Village People. So naturally I learned and perfected the latest disco moves. Along with my cousin Lyda, we’d choreographed routines later showcased on 8mm movies played at weekly family gatherings. We became known as the Donnie and Marie of our large extended Filipino family.

Did I care that I was not into sports the way my siblings were? No. I was simply happy being myself...
that is, until I began to overhear people talking about me, using words like "girly," "sissy," or the dreaded....
"bakla."

Bakla is a Tagalog (Filipino) word, but growing up in America, I was not fluent in my native language .
Two words, however, always stood out and became very familiar.

There was "GUAPO", which means handsome (Ahem). And then there was:

"BAKLA"

Bakla means GAY.

To that 9 or 10 year old me, being thought of as gay meant you acted girly.
A boy who acted girly was not okay.
I’d soon become aware that those sentiments were not confined to my circle of classmates, friends, and family. It appeared the whole world regarded feminine men as something to laugh at or despise, often to the point of physical harm. How I saw myself soon began to change.

The kid who used to eagerly enter spelling bees, poem reading contests, and art competitions now started to avoid anything that drew attention to himself. I had this deep seeded fear of being seen as gay. As a result, much of my teenage youth was spent retreating to the back of rooms in shame, when I should've been stepping forward with confidence.

Much has changed for me since then. The love and support of friends and family helped me to find pride in myself and rediscover what I had to offer.

With the shame chipped away, and my confidence back, I worked hard to carve out a career in the entertainment industry, as a professional dancer. For more than twenty years, I told stories with my body through movement. Now, I use illustrations and words to communicate to those who are willing to be my audience.

Today I am a happily married man…still soft spoken, now proudly bakla, and somewhat guapo.

It’s with excitement and pride that I can now say I’m the author and illustrator of my first and very own children’s book, titled “CRUSHED”. My hope is that the story will help kids accept the differences they see in others as well as themselves, learning to embrace and celebrate them.

Thank you for allowing me to share a bit of myself. I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please write to me Until then, I invite you to join me on my new journey of storytelling. CRUSHED is the first of many projects that I hope will bring about positive change in children's lives and the lives of those around them.