TINKERWHO?

Seven.
A lucky number for many.
For me, it was the number of years I lived in fear. (Dramatic, I know)
Seven also happens to be the age I was when this next story begins.

It started back in 2nd grade. I was a student at St. Linus Catholic Elementary. One day at recess, I began to hear whispers from classmates that a girl in our class had a crush on me.

At the time, I had no idea what being gay meant, but I certainly knew I didn’t want a girlfriend.

But pressures to be a "normal" boy weighed heavily on me. As a result, what should have been sweet and flattering was instead a source of anxiety. I was constantly hoping no one would question why I didn't like her back.

So there I was, this clueless little boy, the object of this poor girl’s affection. She must have been into bowl cuts and buck teeth.

I really didn’t get it, though. There were plenty of other boys in class, much more GUAPO than me. And as early as 6th grade, some began to grow facial hair! Now how butch is THAT?!

"What does she see in me?" I thought.

Whatever it was, she gave me a peculiar pet name…TINKERBELL. Go figure.
That alone seemed to suggest she knew something I didn’t. So I'm not sure why she liked me in that way.

Still, she persisted, and still I resisted. This dance lasted for seven years.
Then came the summer before our 8th grade. Her friends had told me that she began to have feelings for a new boy in school.

SAY WHAT NOW?!

I didn’t want a girlfriend, sure, but I wasn’t ready for her to like someone else! With a need to prove I was like the other boys, this new revelation added a layer of jealousy and insecurity that finally drove me to pop the question:

"Uhhh…ummm….Do you…um… want to go around?"

She giggled nervously and answered "YES!"
I giggled nervously and thought to myself, “NOW what?!”

It was the longest month and 1 day of my 8th grade life. To be clear, any of the other boys in class would have been lucky to have her as their girlfriend. But I only saw her as a girl who was my friend.

Obviously, the reasons I asked her to be my girlfriend had nothing to do with my feelings for her,
but rather her feelings for me. It felt good to be liked.
Equally misguided was my attempt to be seen as something I wasn't...to show that I was not BAKLA.
So while cute boys were all around me sporting faint little mustaches, there I was with a full on "beard."

I think we both knew early on that it was better to break things off, and so we did.

We recently reconnected a few years ago and we look back fondly at those laughable moments.
She's even commissioned me to do some illustration work for her.

Today, more and more kids are able to freely be themselves. We're now just a YouTube
search away from witnessing young adults coming out to their families.
However, misunderstandings still exist. Prejudices continues to linger.

It's my hope that kids today, who may feel as I did, can grow to be strong and confident in who they truly are.

If my experiences, and the stories they've inspired in my work, help me reach that goal,
then those 32 days were worth it.

The arrow is a bit redundant.